Mots pour Lala

Ce 23 mai, ma mère a quitté notre monde pour rejoindre au de-delà celui de mon père et de tous ses frères et soeurs. J'ai pu l'accompagner jusqu'au bout comme je le souhaitais, prendre le temps d'organiser les obsèques que je souhaitais (franco américano indiens !) et je fus formidablement entourée par ma famille et mes amis. 

Lien de la messe ici

Je tenais à rendre hommage à la vie exceptionnelle de ma mère, de mes parents, de leur couple international et interracial, à leur choix de vies à leur valeurs, dans ce long texte que j'avais lu lors de la messe.

When I sadly shared the news of the passing away of my mom, my dear friend Ashok from Delhi told me those wise words : “When you lose a parent, you lose a part of you, whatever is your age.” This is so true. I feel like an orphan at times, so strange at 53.

Well, instead of focusing on this sense of loss and emptiness, I try to focus on the positive, all she taught me and the example she was by leading her incredible life.

Yes, her life was quite an adventure : born in Burma, the youngest of seven siblings. Her dad was a well-known and respected doctor who died a few years after my mom’s birth, they had a happy life, 7 houses, one for each child ! And suddenly war, when my mom was 6, they had to flee Burma, leaving everything behind apart the jewelry. They walked on foot through the jungle, except my mom and my grandmother who were carried in palanquins.

They finally made it in the refugee camps of Kolkata, but my grandma passed away of malaria and one of my mom’s sister Laxmi, died of typhoid. Their grandmother brought them back to Kerala where she took care of them. They all got good education, despite their poor condition. When her grandmother passed away, Padma the eldest sister took care of them. My mom got a degree as a teacher and started teaching English in Chennai.

Her life fully changed the day she won an exchange program with a school in Chehalis, Washington state, USA. She arrived there in winter, wearing sandals and a saree, to what would be the most amazing years of her life. She did what she liked best, teaching, with all the modern facilities that existed in the USA, lived with an old lady Mrs. Bayne that treated her as her own daughter. She adored the clean and progressive USA, such a contrast with her modest childhood in India.

She led a rather free and independent life and would travel often alone back to India to visit her family. Travel by boat and train of course, and through France most of the time. During one of her trips between Le Havre and Paris, destiny made her meet the love of her life, my dad, on the platform of Gare Montparnasse…

They corresponded after that during years, sharing culture, love, doubts and hope and met whenever they can which was not very often. My Indian family was nervous about this interracial marriage but they finally did settle together in Toronto and got married. They lost a first baby by miscarriage, and decided to move to France to “take good care of the next baby”. Which they obviously did since I am here alive and kicking. The pill Distilben that my mother took during her pregnancy  thinking it could prevent miscarriages brought me to my destiny, adopting the most wonderful kids of the galaxy and filling my life with passion for adoption.

Back to my mom : they decided to stay in France, my mother stopped working to raise me, with a great nostalgia for her life in the USA. As I started my school at EAB JM, she met many other English speaking moms and started beautiful friendships. Many of you here today in this church and have always been by her side. Friendships as solid as rocks, a treasure for her, as strong as family.

My parents gave me so much during those years of childhood : a rich bicultural education, the best of international schools, skiing in the best Alp resorts, tennis in the best club, everything was the best. Though they had only one salary and we lived in a small one-bedroom flat. It was all for me, my mother literally lived for and through me. We traveled a lot, she gave me the love of nature, Fontainebleau, wild camping, and her love for extensive gardening on her balcony.

When I left Paris to study at HEI in Lille, my departure was harsh for them, especially for her. Well at the age of 50 she decided to teach again, she took a course to pass a French degree and was immediately employed by the CCI as an English teacher. What courage at the age of 50 !

Years passed by, my marriage, and most of all her 3 beautiful grandchildren Nishal, Scarlett and Gabriel. I am sure you kids will forever remember her crazy cookies, your holidays in the country house in Ury, the picnics in the camping car and so much more. Olivier and I are so grateful that our 3 children had such perfect and loving 4 grand parents : Papou, Mamie, Grand-pere and Lala and also Lucile, Patricia, Didier and so many more. We were all family and my mother loved you all so much.

 I always thought that parenting stops once a child is an adult. I was so wrong, my mother taught me so much in these last 3 years.  Let me share this with you. I was the witness during those ehpad years of my father, of the greatest of loves. Papa waiting for her every day all day long sitting on a chair in front of the ward entrance door, Mom’s eternal patience to visit him, feed him and care for him with such tenderness from both sides. Their love was so strong, so visible, so intense. Many employees of the home would come and tell me, that they had never seen such a loving couple.  I must admit it. At times, I was envious of such love. Yes, my mother taught me what is true love and courage when I was 50 : being mindful and caring, communicating and expressing their love whatever (even if he could no more speak, his eyes, their gestures of tenderness were so vibrant, so loving), and most of all, forgetting the shit and focusing on the positive.

My mother was also so mindful with all the other residents of his home, and despite her pain she would smile to all and have kind words. A great lesson of life that I tried to apply when she was her turn to be in a home.

 After my father passed away and my mother started declining, she gave me another lesson : the value of friendship. I saw it in all your cards, your frequent texting, your calls, driving from Paris despite the distance, the immediate visits from New Jersey and London after her cancer was detected. My mother had admirable friends, everlasting friendships. They were there for her till her last days.

As a conclusion, I am pretty sure that I will never stop learning from her. She will stay alive in me, and I hope to share it all with my children and with all those who are dear to me.

 As I told her a few hours before she passed away,

 “Thank you for being a great mom, I will love you forever”.